To many people close to me, it’s not a secret that I’ve had a shitty start to 2015. Losing a loved one is a hard thing to handle. The sudden vacancy in your heart feels like it will never be filled again. It’s a strange, larger-than-life hollowness, made even more bizarre by all the friends that come over to mourn with you. “Fuck him,” they say. “He was a cunt” was another bold reaction. “I’ve had better conversations with a chalked-on smiley face that’s drawn over the dumpster on my apartment building.” To which I responded, “Who are you? Please get out of my car.”
To those who don’t know: my boyfriend left me in January for a hot piece of ass at his work, whom he’d been having an affair with for all of three weeks before he decided it was true love and left our three year relationship behind. God, what a catch.
But enough about him. I’ve rounded a corner. I’ve been listening to a butt ton of tasty breakup music, and now it’s time to focus on the silver linings. This is a love letter to all the strong women in my life, who lifted me up out of a shitty situation and helped me realize that it was his loss, not mine.
First and foremost,
To Beyoncé:
As a gay man, it seems sacrilege to admit that I actually wasn’t a huge fan of yours until I met my now ex-boyfriend. I mean, I’d heard of you. Duh. I’m breathing. But he was so obsessed with you that out of sheer curiosity I started listening to your music. And hot damn, was he right. For Valentine’s Day I took him to your Mrs. Carter World Tour. He cried for fifteen minutes when you came on stage, overwhelmed by wonderment. And it pleases me to no end knowing that his idol, his hero in life, his inspiration, would be appalled and ashamed of his actions (songs like Resentment, Best Thing I Never Had, and Irreplaceable are just a few that prove my point). You would no doubt side with me and tell him to fuck off, and that’s the fire that gets me up in the morning. That, and my alarm clock is Freakum Dress.
To Marieke:
Thank you so much for being one of my new best friends. Sitting with you at brunch for three hours and drinking bottomless mimosas while you listened to me bitch and moan was simultaneously cathartic and delicious, and the fact that I got a phone number out of it from the host is half your doing. Anyone looks good when they’re sitting next to you. You bring out the best (and the drunk) in people, and I’m blown away by your intelligence and kindness and patience. And also, when your back is turned, I’m stealing Charlie and fleeing the country. #sorrynotsorry
To Frankie and Sera:
You’re British, so you win. You’re both cooler than me, you’re more talented than me, and you’re more worldly than me. I have no idea why you’re friends with me, but I’m thankful every day that you haven’t figured out yet that I am the weakest link, goodbye! If you two write another damn love song that I have to sit through and watch as you both swoon over each other, I’m going to stab my eyes out with the shattered pieces of my broken heart. Seriously, your happiness makes me want to projectile vomit all over the other half of my bed that is now eternally empty. Just kidding, loooooove youuuu guyyssssss!
To Chiara and Gina:
To the best bosses and the best friends a boy could ask for! I have to sit with you ladies for up to twelve hours a day, and usually those are the best twelve hours of my day. (Don’t tell my roommate.) Thank you for pretending I’m good at my job. I still have no idea what I’m doing. What’s a layback again? But Gina, if you suggest another 30 Day Challenge, Chiara and I are quitting on the spot and calling Child Protective Services.
To Kate Lynn:
God damn we are hot messes. We are shining examples of how your mid-twenties can go incredibly wrong. Just kidding! We’re amazing and hot and sexy and total catches. (Is it working?) You were there from the beginning, you’re the first person I told when I unearthed the clues of the affair, and you’ve been nothing but honest and objective while also completely hating his guts. Sometimes you gotta hear what you gotta hear, and you’re not afraid to speak your mind and say what needs to be said. Also, you drink like a sailor and you introduced me to Saucey. And for that, I will never forgive you.
To Alex:
You are a tiny ball of crazy Buddha energy. I have no idea how you keep up your schedule and still make time to see me and listen to me bitch. It’s incredible. You read a room like nobody’s business and you know when I need someone to talk to, and when I need someone to just sit with me so I don’t feel lonely. It’s an invaluable quality, no doubt rooting from your crazy Shambhala nonsense. I could take a lesson from you and your meditative ways… but I’m not going to. Your shelves look amazing.
To Amy:
You are my sister-wife. I’m fairly certain I’m not using that term correctly — because neither of us are Mormom — but that’s what it feels like to me. You are always there. Always. There. For real though, you wore the pants when I needed you to, and you are the one who actually asked my ex to move out, something I would never have been strong enough to do. You’re a true friend and the best roommate I’ve ever had. It’s too bad your fucking cat is the absolute worst. Seriously, without that little shitstorm I would probably say you’re the best person I know. But I can’t, because you paid for that tiny asshole covered in fur, and for that I will always judge you. Your mom is super cool. (Hi Brenda!)
To Maggie and Annika:
I’ve known you ladies too long to be nice to you. You’re a gaggle of crazy bitches, and I’m constantly thinking about the next time I get to paint the town with you. We’ve done so much stupid embarrassing shit together that I can’t believe one of us hasn’t died. It would probably be you, Annika. You are a real dumbass. We’ve been friends longer than I’ve been out of the closet, and I’m honored to be included in your very exclusive friend group. Seriously, you guys have no other friends. I can’t think of a single one. It’s flattering.
To Mom:
Every shade of my personality is derived from you, whether good or bad. I personally think you raised a really good kid. Dani has a bright future ahead of her.
To All The Other Strong Women In My Life:
I’m sorry if I didn’t include you specifically in this post. The whirlwind of the last two months happened so fast that I clung tight to the few people who were close to me at the time, until I was ready to let everyone know my long-term relationship had come to an end. But know that I love you, I appreciate you, and I probably have something very salty to say about you as well.
As every gay man should, I’ve surrounded myself with the best ladies a boy could ask for, and the love and support I’ve felt in the last six weeks is stronger and more sincere than the love I received from my last relationship. If just one of you ladies has a secret penis, please let me know. Then all my problems are solved.
xoxo,
Mac