Straight Rights for Heterosexuals

Dear Homosexual Propagandists,

Before I write this, I want to make one thing perfectly clear: I am not straight. I never have been, I never will be, and just because I campaign for their rights doesn’t mean I’m having a sexual identity crisis. Because, gross. But the fact is, somebody has to stick up for heterosexuals. We’re living in the 21st century, and their voices need to be heard.

There are several topics I’d like to touch on, including civil unions, Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, and the ability to adopt. Let’s proceed.

1. Civil Unions for Heterosexual Couples
Too long have heterosexual couples been denied the right to civil unions by the homosexual minority. The common misconception is that civil unions are comparable to marriage, but that is not the case. Civil unions have various luxuries that marriages are not given:

• The Freedom of Avoiding Federal Rights. Civil unions are only recognized by the state in which the civil union was granted. They are not recognized on a federal level. Therefore, LGBT couples can avoid Big Brother nuisances that are required with marriages, such as income tax benefits, social security benefits, health insurance, Medicaid, pensions, and family leave. Pshh, who wants those things, anyway! Talk about annoying! I say, the less we get from the government, the better! The gays don’t know how lucky they have it. Tax benefits? Please, do I look like an H&R Block representative to you? That’s offensive.
• Stability of Not Having Your Civil Union Recognized by Other States. For LGBT couples, it gets even better. Because civil unions are only granted on a state level, other states are not required to recognize them. For example, if John and Bill obtain a civil union in New Jersey, but then Bill’s contracting job relocates him to Florida, then John and Bill are totally fucked! You see, Florida (along with many other states) does not recognize any sort of same-sex union, whether it be a civil union or a domestic partnership. Which means now John and Bill don’t have a difficult decision to make. Florida made it for them! They get to be stuck in New Jersey forever. And who wouldn’t want to be stuck in Jersey? (Well, besides gay people.)

2. Expansion of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell to Straight People
I never quite undestood this policy. So, all a gay person has to do is mention their sexual preference and they are discharged? No matter their competence or specialty? WHAT?! That’s like the ultimate get-out-of-jail-free card! Sure, most people in the Armed Forces are there not only because they want to serve and protect their country, but also because they believe it is their God-given right to do so. But hey… get-out-of-jail-free card! It’s like the BEST card you can get in Monopoly! You know when you’re pulling from the Community Chest or Chance pile that you’re secretly hoping for it. You can’t argue with that. Which means, when it comes to Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, the Monopoly card argument is as legitimate as it is relevant.

Take Lt. Dan Choi for example. After serving in combat in the Iraq War, he was ultimately discharged from his services when he came out on national television. I mean, this guy was fluent in Arabic and Farsi! So he was clearly easily replaceable. And he must have known that, which is why he decided to out himself and get out of jail for free. (See, that’s how relevant and legitimate the argument is. Because, repetition.) Never mind that since then he’s been one of the biggest activists in repealing Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. Never mind that when he was discharged he was billed $2,500 for his unfinished service to the country. He still got out of jail free! The bill came later! Good for him. It’s time to spread the love.

(Wait, this is being repealed soon? What?? So not fair. Straight people never got a taste of the goodness!)

3. Inability to Adopt
Oh, man. Kids. Aren’t they just the worst? No wonder there are so many up for adoption (over 140 million orphans worldwide). So why do straight couples have to carry the burden? LGBT couples are still protected from this guilt in the 21st century, because several states have unknown/ambiguous gay adoption policies, while a handful flat out don’t allow it (including Utah, and that one state that looks like a dead moth’s side profile… oh yeah, Oklahoma!) It’s amazing to me that not only do LGBT couples get the hassle-free perks of civil unions as well as the friggen best board game card in the business, but they also don’t have to worry about adoption! There are SOOO many kids that need good parents! PLEASE, make the gays take them! They’re perfectly fit parents! They actually want kids; they don’t conceive them by accident while playing the “Pull-and-Pray” in the back of a U-Haul flat bed! No? Ugh, FINE.

So, gay propagandists, next time you find yourself out there lobbying for your rights and your needs, think about the heterosexual majority. It’s time to put yourself in their shoes. Because, even though being straight is a choice (cough, yeah right, cough), it doesn’t mean they shouldn’t  get the choice… to not have other choices… Yeah.

Sincerely,
Ima Nidiot

(inspired by such blogs as: http://theheterosexualagenda.com/WordPress/ )

Tags: adoption, civil unions, Gay, humor, LGBT, sarcasm, satire